


I love you. I killed you

by RhinoHill



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Enigma - Freeform, F/M, Imogen Heap - Freeform, Inspired by Music
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-15 15:29:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18076043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RhinoHill/pseuds/RhinoHill
Summary: These events unfold in the aftermath of Sam's body being taken hostage by the Entity (Season 4, Episode 20) and were inspired by two songs:"I love you, I'll kill you" by Enigma"Half Life" by Imogen HeapThank you for getting me writing again, AO3 unicorns xo---oOo---





	1. Stay

**Author's Note:**

> These events unfold in the aftermath of Sam's body being taken hostage by the Entity (Season 4, Episode 20) and were inspired by two songs:
> 
> "I love you, I'll kill you" by Enigma  
> "Half Life" by Imogen Heap
> 
> Thank you for getting me writing again, AO3 unicorns xo
> 
> \---oOo---

At the touch of their hands, it all fell away like a sigh.

Sam prowled the rooms of her house, trapped by the motions of every day. Something static crackled in her spine. She was hollowed out with nameless need.

“You’ve got a clean bill of health,” Janet had said. “Go home and rest. You’ve been through a lot.”

She had been through a lot. She had brushed her teeth twice, scrubbed her skin red in a scalding shower, but the memory was etched into her bones. Trapped. Staring out of her own eyes unblinking. Unable to blink. Because something else was in control.

The things it had said.

“You will not harm this one,” it had said. “This one is special to you.”

Machine-code clarity throbbed through her mind. She was special to him. He was special to her. She had always been able to lock it away, but tonight the things the entity had made her say picked at her skin with barbs. She caught her reflection in the entrance hall mirror with a sigh and ran her hand roughly through her hair, hoping the friction would ease the buzzing emptiness in the centre of her chest. She longed for touch. Wrapping her arms around her waist, she leaned her forehead against the cold hard glass. 

She felt his knock more loudly than she heard it. Three hesitant raps against her door. By the time he finished his softly spoken “Carter,” the door was flung open and she was staring at him. Still in uniform. Hair as mussed up as her own.

“Sir.”

She wanted to smile for him, but her lips wouldn’t move. All she could do was hold his wounded gaze.

Under her eyes, his mouth twitched into a grimace.

“I.” He stopped. “Just wanted to make sure you’re okay. After today.” His eyes broke away, searching the floor for something offensive. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Before she could think it, her hand had moved, catching his as he turned his bowed head away from her. 

“Please, stay.”

At the touch of their hands, it all fell away like a sigh. The buzzing, prickling hollow fluttered into stillness as he picked her off the floor and wrapped her in his arms.

\---oOo---

“Carter.”

His breath tickled against her ear and she stretched against him, languishing in his warmth.

“Mmmmm.”

“It’s time to wake up.”

Sam’s eyes snapped open. Her head rested on Jack’s chest, legs entwined with his, the throw that usually sat discarded on the back of her couch pulled up to cover them. She barely even remembered him carrying her there, only the way the twanging, aching hollowness melted into peace at the touch of his hand. She wiggled her fingers. He twined his own tighter into hers. His free hand reached up to stroke her head with a sigh.

“C’mon, major. It’s 7:30. They’ll be sending out a search party soon.”

By the time she got out of the shower, he had slipped out of her home like a memory.


	2. A heart's length away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was a hundred percent when he was with her last night. And then.
> 
> And then he was gone and her heart was replaced with a machine that loudly beat out loneliness. She sleepwalked through the day, the medical check, the debriefing, the mission report, with him always just a heart’s length too far.
> 
> \---oOo---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by "Half Life", a song by Imogen Heap whose lyrics are pure poetry:
> 
> "I'm a hundred percent when I'm with you, and then  
> a perfect heart's length away."
> 
> You may enjoy listening to the song before reading this chapter, if you, like me, like having soundtracks to your life. 
> 
> @ConnieN, I've tried to keep the more poetic voice in this chapter. I hope you like it xo 
> 
> \---oOo---

Jack hesitated, fist hovering an inch away from the wood of her front door. He stared at it as if he still had the will left to stop it trembling.

His fist didn’t just tremble. It shook.

He was a hundred percent when he was with her last night. And then.  
And then he saw himself lifting the zat gun and shooting her down. A dry sob tore through his chest, knocking his fist against the door. It opened as if she had been waiting on the other side. Blue eyes lifted with hope under a soft blonde fringe.

“Sir.”

Sam couldn’t stop her smile. He was here again. She could breathe again.

She was a hundred percent when he was with her last night. And then.  
And then he was gone and her heart was replaced with a machine that loudly beat out loneliness. She sleepwalked through the day, the medical check, the debriefing, the mission report, with him always just a heart’s length too far.

And now he was here. Close enough to touch. But he was clenched angry like his fist.

“Sir?” She couldn’t help it. Her fingers crept out to find the hand by his side. Her heart’s anchor. “Is everything all right?”

The fist hovering between them opened, but he touched her only with his eyes. Desperately, he searched her throat, her eyes, her face, his mouth a thin, tight line. 

Sam swallowed the heat rising in her chest. She opened her mouth to ask him in, but couldn’t find the words. Snowflake tender, his finger came to rest at the corner of her parted lips, where the sensitive skin had cracked open under the pressure of the ventilator entering her body and the tape sticking it in place. She had heard about him watching her when her body lay outside her mind, being breathed for by yet another machine. Daniel told her that, as she tried to shout his name through the nest of chips and wires she was trapped in, he refused to let her body die.

Gently, she tugged on his hand and pulled his feet inside.

The movement unfroze all of him. With a burning rush of breath, his arms crushed her to him, pressing their bodies hard against the wall. His kiss against the damaged corner of her mouth made her gasp. Every question that had buzzed and ticked their static in her brain all day, fell silent. His body against hers was the answer. Sam’s eyes drifted closed. The corner of her mouth curled into a peaceful smile under his. With a whispered sigh, her heart settled back into its home in her chest and beat its love for him.

Sam placed her right palm on the small of his back, thrilling at the heat of his skin through his shirt, pulling him closer to her, where he belonged. Her left hand cupped his head as she turned her mouth into his.

“I killed you, Sam.”   
The words croaked against her lips. His whole body started trembling. “I killed you.”  
He dropped his head into the crook of her neck. “I killed you.”

“No.” She shook her head against him. “No. No you didn’t. You saved me.”

“Sam.” Her name again, brushed on to her skin with voice. “I looked you in the eye. I shot you with a zat. Twice. I looked you in the eye and I killed you. I…” his body convulsed. “I love you, and I killed you.”

Sam’s eyes filled with tears. Her recurring nightmare was watching him die, losing him to a swift blue arc of energy or a shell exploding through its metal jacket and his body. But being the one to pull the trigger. She couldn’t even imagine waking from that nightmare.

“Jack.”

The name her heart spoke every night felt clumsy in her mouth. Sam licked her lips and lifted his face between her hands.

“Jack. You saved me. You found the only way to force the thing to leave me. And when I shouted, you heard me. You killed it and you saved me.”  
His lips trembled as she pressed her mouth to his. “I’m here. You saved me.”

Warm fingertips brushed the wetness from her cheeks. Jack’s forehead came to rest against hers and as his trembling quieted, as the tension in his shoulders ebbed away, they breathed against each other’s lips and held each other’s faces in their hands. He was here. Her heart could feel his beating. Synchronised.

Around them, years of longing took a silent bow and walked away on slippered feet. Moonlight shifted across the floor, the only movement other than their quiet breath, their beating hearts.

Jack’s thumbs moved across her cheeks, tracing the hollows left by the dimples, shadows that her smiles left as reminders on her face.

“I love you, Sam,” he breathed against her lips.

The happiness that bubbled from her chest tugged her dimples deeper under his thumbs.

She tilted her head back until she could look him in the eye.

“Stop saying that,” she said. “And show me.”


	3. Half Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam’s laugh was bitter dark. “And is this what I deserve? This half life of hidden feelings? Of being ashamed that I want you?”
> 
> \---oOo---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the novel I'm currently working on, the protagonist's desperate attempts to protect his family make him seem controlling, manipulative and hard. I tried to get Jack to speak with his voice in an equally impossible situation.
> 
> If you hate Jack just a little reading this, if you wonder why Sam doesn't simply cut her losses and run, I've captured the tone I need. 
> 
> Please let me know.  
> Thank you, AO Unicorns. 
> 
> xo

Jack’s teeth grazed her lower lip. His tongue traced their path before it dipped into her, touching, stroking, tasting. His fingers tangled through her hair, pulling her deeper into his kiss until she moaned against him, unable to control the wash of desire that flooded her with fire. His knee nudged hers apart and strong arms cupped her butt, pulling her back on to him, trailing kisses down her neck as he rocked her up and down. His hands found the skin under her shirt, tingling hot under his rough palms. Brown eyes looked back into her own. His breath came fast and ragged. With every breath, he strained harder against her, but he held her still with his unspoken question.

She pressed her palm against his chest. The shock of absence as she stepped back from him made her shudder, her body crying out with need. Her lips pressed her answer against his mouth. Fingers entwined, she pulled him through the darkened hall and into her bedroom.

In the silver moonlight that washed across her bed, she turned to look at him. Every step, every touch, breached a boundary. But all she wanted was him inside her, his skin on her skin. He bent down in front of her, kissing her belly as he lifted her shirt. Her eyes closed with a shudder as the stubble of his chin followed his lips up to her chest, placing kisses like prayers against her breasts.

His hands reached for the button on her jeans.

“Oh, Jack.” She twined her hands into his hair, pulling his head onto her, the fabric of her jeans soaking with his breath and her desire as he thrust his tongue and teeth against her sex. With a shaking breath, he pulled his head away and scraped his hands down her hips, peeling away her clothes. He picked her up and lay her on the bed, running his fingers down the length of her arms, her chest, her legs. Sam’s heart danced wildly in her belly. Her whole body throbbed for him. She opened her legs around him, glistening, inviting him in to her most tender spaces.

If she hadn’t been studying his face for years, she would have mistaken his anguish for simple hesitation as his body froze in front of her. Her eyes clouded with his pain. She lifted onto her elbow, ran her palm along his forearm, corded with tensed muscles.

Jack shook his head.

“I shouldn’t be here,” he choked. “I’m sorry.”

With combat speed, he rose, and he was gone.

\---oOo---  
It was mid-afternoon before she could gather herself enough to knock on his office door.

“Yeah.” She could hear the dread in the word. She pushed against the open door and slipped inside, standing against it, keeping it ajar. She didn’t know why. Maybe it was the blank expression in his eyes as they rose to meet her that made her want to keep the exit clear.

“Major.” The greeting was as ashen as his face.

“Colonel.” She clenched her fists at her sides to stop their shaking.

His eyes searched the clutter of files on his desk.

“Are you alright?” She couldn’t lift her voice above a whisper.

She saw his throat constrict around his answer, and how he swallowed it before facing her. Guarded. Defiant.

“I’m fine, major. How are you?”

Sam closed her eyes against his words. Against the hard, dead eyes that faced her now. The eyes that had looked into her soul in the moonlight and then fled. Her arms crept around her waist.

“I’m furious.” Her voice shook. “I’m mortified. But I love you, so I’m here.”

The pain in his eyes at her words shook her. “Jack, say something, please.”

He swivelled away to find his voice. 

“I’m sorry, Carter. I lost control. I won’t put you through that again.” His hands balled on the desk in front of him. She stared at him in disbelief. “I behaved inappropriately. I understand if you need to report my actions.”

Sam’s mouth dropped open.

“Report you? Jack, did you not hear me? I love you!” The sobs that had shaken her, naked and alone in the moonlight on her bed, threatened to rush over her again.

She clamped her hands around her, forcing calm into her spinning head. Slowly, she closed the door behind her and walked over to his desk. He flinched as her hand touched his fist.

“I love you,” she said again. “We’ll find a way. I’ll ask for a transfer. I have friends at the Pentagon who still want me back there. We can see each other on weekends. I’ll –“

“I can’t let you do that, major.” He cut her off. He let out a slow breath, stilling the trembling of his fist under her hand. His face remained turned away. “Your star is rising. People are watching you. You have a serious future at the SGC. Your place is here.”

“No, Jack.” She knelt in front of him, finding his eyes. She placed a hand against his chest. “My place is here.”

He shook his head slowly. “You deserve more, Sam.” He swivelled his chair, twisting out of her grasp. Shoulders hunched, he walked to the corner of the room farthest from her.

Sam’s laugh was bitter dark. “And is this what I deserve? This half life of hidden feelings? Of being ashamed that I want you?”

The droop of his head cried mercy. Sam’s anger dripped away and left a well of sadness for the happiness he thought he was giving her by denying his own. 

“I gave myself to you last night, Jack. I won’t take that back.” She held her love out to him like a candle.

“Please, Carter. I can’t allow you to ruin your career over this.”

If he hadn’t been studying her face for years, he would have mistaken the twist of pain in her lips for simple resignation.

“I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear, sir,” she whispered. “I wasn’t asking for your permission.”

When the door closed behind her, he sank to the floor, cradled his head in his arms, and screamed his loss.


	4. The Queen's Gambit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her teeth grazed the lobe of his ear. “Jack.” The pain in her voice was laced with heat and tipped with love. “Shut up and get naked.”
> 
> \---oOo---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A happy ending as a thank you to everyone who stuck with me through the birth of this creation.
> 
> Sam's letter was inspired by a tweet from @Miz_Kitten:
> 
> I chose  
> in that one moment  
> so long ago  
> I leaned over your edge  
> and I chose
> 
> \---oOo---

The shrill of the phone on Jack’s desk pulled him off the floor. 

“O’Neill.” His voice was rusty.

“Jack, in my office, please,” General Hammond spoke before the line went dead.

“Take a seat, Colonel.” The general pointed an open palm at the chair in front of his desk as he paced across the room and closed the door.

Jack’s thumbs beat a nervous tattoo against the insides of his palms as he watched him walk. With a small sigh, Hammond came to rest against his desk.

“Doctor Carter is no longer with the Air Force.”

The words punched a black hole through his chest.

“What?!”

Hammond sighed again. “She resigned, Jack.”

“Resigned?” Jack sat up, trying to find some form of balance in the tilting room. “And you let her?!”

“It remains every person’s choice, colonel.” The warning in the words was softer than the compassion.

Jack fought for breath. He shot up and rushed towards the door. 

“I have to stop her!”

“Jack! Sit down, son.” 

Even rounded at the edges, it was a command. Jack’s feet carried him back to the prison of the chair while his mind screamed down the corridors for her. Hammond was holding out an envelope. Numbly, he took it.

“She asked me to make sure you read this. So, read it.” The general folded his arms across his chest.

-Jack,- 

He could hear her voice in the handwritten words, the slant of her letters floating off the page to wrap her scent around him.

-My mother was five years older than I am now when she died. All my life, I put my career first. But you changed me.-

-I love you. I choose you. But I made this choice for me. Whether or not you want me in your life, I need to know that my career isn’t the thing that stood in our way.-

-You’ll always be a part of me.-  
-Sam-

Jack’s mouth was paper dry.

“The queen’s gambit,” he whispered at the page.

“What was that?” Hammond’s voice broke gently through the air lock surrounding him.

Jack cleared his painful throat. “It’s a chess move. The player sacrifices the centre of the board in order to gain freedom on the edges.” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “You shouldn’t have let her go. She’s too good a soldier.”

The general should have snapped him back in line. Jack almost wished for anger. Instead, a hand settled on his shoulder. “She’s a brilliant pilot, yes. And she keeps a cool head under pressure. But her humanity is what makes her shine. She told me how she feels about you, Jack. It’s why she chose to leave. It’s why I let her.”

Hammond’s footsteps walked towards his door. Jack heard it open.

“Take the rest of the day. Get off the base. Go deal with this.”

Slowly, rolling the paper with her scent into a baton in his hand, Jack stood. 

“Son.” The word stopped him on the threshold. “The next move is yours. Make sure it’s one you’ll be proud of in five years.”

\---oOo---

Jack lost the fight for calm as he neared her house. He banged his fist against the door, shouting her name. He slapped his palm against every window, willing her to appear. The house was cold and silent. If she was inside, she wasn’t answering. And without her air force phone, he had no other way to reach her. He paced her yard, bile rising in his throat as evening closed its chilly fist around him.

In the darkness, he finally drove home.

A figure was hunched on the steps leading to his front door. A blonde figure. As the beams of his headlights swept across the house, blue eyes looked up into their path. He slammed on the parking brake, wrenched open the door, and ran.

Jack knocked the breath out of her with the force of his embrace. With her heart against his heart, his arms locked around her body, her sadness fell away. Only certainty remained. She leaned closer into him, her hand against his cheek. Her eyes smiled love as she kissed him.

“Mmmm, Jack,” she broke for air. Her legs were wrapped around his waist, and the heat of him against her made her shiver in the cold night air. “I think you should turn off your truck.” 

The raw lust, the childlike wonder in his brown eyes, shook a bubble of laughter loose inside her chest. She rested her lips against his. “And then you should take me to bed.”

As she tried to untangle herself, he groaned and pulled her closer, cradling her around him as he walked back down the driveway. Shaking with laughter, she dropped her head into the crook of his neck and nuzzled closer. The way his body rubbed against her as he walked soaked her with desire.  
At the front door, he stopped. His thumbs traced the curve of her lips, the line of her chin, the dip of her throat, the swell of her breasts. The world fell away until only his hands on her remained. Slowly, gently, he set her down. His fingers twined into her hand as he unlocked the door and pulled her inside.

A single light burned in his bedroom. Their shadows danced on the walls as they kicked off their shoes, neither wanting to let go. Strong hands ran down her body, teasing her nipples into aching points. He cupped her waist and lifted her shirt.

“Wait.” Her eyes were dark with desire, but pain tugged at the corner of her mouth.

Jack froze.

“Tonight, you get undressed first.” Her smile was small and tight. Hesitant. “That way, it’ll be harder for you to run out on me again.”

“Oh, Sam.” His face clouded. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never meant for-“

Her teeth grazed the lobe of his ear. “Jack.” The pain in her voice was laced with heat and tipped with love. “Shut up and get naked.”

His clothes dropped to the floor and he stood before her, trembling with the need to touch her. Without breaking his gaze, she undressed. Two bodies stood in the light of a single lamp. Then she held out her hand for his and knelt onto the floor, taking his throbbing cock into her mouth. She moved with aching slowness, up and down, until his breath became ragged under her lips. She eased her body up and pulled him onto the bed. Her hair fell like a halo on his pillow. With a hesitant smile, she opened her legs.

“Oh god!” She gasped as he drove himself into her. “Oh, Jack.” 

His arm cradled her hips. His lips painted love against her skin as he moved inside her, faster and deeper, until her moans exploded into ecstasy and shot him over the edge.

\---oOo---

Her hair against his cheek was the first thing he felt. The smell of it. The almost-curls. His whole body snapped awake. The length of her was pressed against him. Jack’s breath caught in his chest.

Slowly, languorously, she woke and stretched against him like a cat. With a slow smile, she twisted around and straddled him, her hips pressing her wet sex on him, gliding along the shaft of his erection.

“Oh, god, Sam,” he groaned.

“Yes?” Her hand braced softly on his chest, she lifted herself and guided him into her. “Hmmmm…” Her groan of pleasure made him jerk inside her.

“Fuck, Sam,” was all he could utter as the sensation of her moving on him made him lose control.

Their legs were tangled in the sheets, her cheek against his chest as the last waves of her orgasm calmed. He smiled as he saw her hand reaching along his arm, her fingers searching for his. He laced his hand through hers and brought it to his lips. 

“G’morning,” he whispered to her knuckles.

“Mmmm. It really is,” she purred. 

Jack’s chest rumbled with happiness. But soon, he quietened. He needed to be sure. 

“Sam?” 

Her blue eyes caught the doubt, the fear that plagued him.

“Yes?”

He swallowed. “No regrets?”

Fingertips traced the lines of worry around his eyes. Then soft lips erased them. 

“No regrets,” she breathed against his skin.

“Okay.” He licked his lips. “In that case, I have something for you.”

Jack twisted around and opened the drawer in his bedside cabinet. His hand closed around the small box for the hundredth time. Over the hinges, the velvet was worn smooth from constant opening and closing. The box he thought would never find its rightful owner. His teeth bit into his bottom lip as he pulled it out. Holding her close to him with one arm, he scooted up into a sitting position so that he could see her face.

With practised fingers, he flicked open the box and turned it towards her.

Nestled in midnight blue velvet lay a ring. In its centre, a perfect, round opal flickered cool blue and white and shot sparks fire as it shifted in the light. A circle of gold encased it. Set into the circle, seven triangle-cut diamonds marked the chevrons on the stargate.

“Oh, Jack.” Sam’s voice brimmed with tears.

“There’s a message on the inside.” His words were gruff, his heart thumping in his throat.

She lifted the slender gold band out of its velvet bed and twisted it in the light. “Always my home,” she read before her lips sealed over his.

\---oOo---

“Hey, Carter, want to take your car or my truck?” Jack shot his smile over his shoulder as he locked his front door. 

She hesitated on the steps.

“Hmmm. You drive,” she said at last. “I want to admire my beautiful ring.” She winked. “And my beautiful fiancé. Also," she glanced away, "we can probably fit more boxes into your truck. I have quite a lot of books to pack."

He spun around to face her, the doubt etched back on to his face.

Sam's eyes bore straight into him, pinning him in place. "I love you," she spoke softly. "And I get to say that. Every day. Whatever happens next, it can only be better."

His smile was slow to break, but when it did, the morning sun seemed brighter by its reflection. With a small whoop, he leapt down the steps past her and kicked his heels together mid-air. 

“You know what, Carter? I get to hold your hand at the office today!”

The springtime of her laughter followed him all the way to his truck.


End file.
